A Guide for the Modern High Status Man on how to deal with jealousy.
As a modern man, it is crucial for you to learn how to deal with jealousy. This article is for men who aspire to be high status men, and for men who are high status and want to stay that way.
Soon, I will discuss in another post the meaning of jealousy for women. It is completely different when compared to the meaning it has for men.
This text is about the meaning of jealousy in a man´s mind and how a man can deal with it. Jealousy is terribly status-lowering, and that is why we need to know how to deal with jealousy.
Each time you show jealousy toward a woman, you are only lowering your own value in her eyes and in the eyes of your social circle.
It reveals that your own concept of yourself is very negative, and that you are very worried about competition with other men.
There is a mutual balance of value in a relationship between a man and a woman.
When a sudden imbalance of value happens, there is always a lowering of sexual attraction in the primitive mind of the woman who is dating a man or in a relationship with him.
If the person of higher value is a narcissist, he or she will leave or begin to humiliate the person with the lower value.
If the person of higher value is a more or less balanced, normal person – like for example an average, feminine, and stable woman – there will be a lot of grief.
If grief is for some reason not possible, she will most definitely get some kind of depression. You do not want a depressed, self-sacrificing woman in your life. That is a very negative experience.
So, lowering your value as a man in her eyes can bring only one outcome: her respect and her attraction for you will go down at the speed of the light.
If she is with you “just to have fun together¨, her fun will become boredom very quickly, and you will lose her.
If she is with you because she truly likes you and is devoted to you, she first will try to “rationalize” your jealousy in her mind, and then her love and attraction for you will begin to fade when she sees the truth about you from her rationalizations.
Her rationalization may be total nonsense, such as “He is jealous because he loves me” or… “There is no love without jealousy” or… “He is a strong man, and he wants to own the woman he loves”, and so on.
This downward spiral can be a process of months, or even years, and it is unavoidable if you constantly show her that you are jealous of other males; because the primitive mind of a woman is hard-wired to respect and be sexually attracted to men who are sure of themselves and truly believe themselves to be the best.
Even if she is as good as Mother Theresa, what will really happen in her mind, in spite of her rationalizations, is that she will lose her respect for you as a man, as well as her devotion towards you.
How do deal with jealousy?
This guide will give you a new perspective about jealousy, and the tools necessary to totally dominate it in yourself.
In order to control jealousy, you will need to first have a clear vision of what jealousy is.
Without a clear comprehension of what jealousy is, it will be very difficult for you to rule over it in yourself.
When you have achieved that clear understanding, you will be able to control jealousy by learning a technique to increase awareness, which I will share with you.
This technique includes mirroring, pacing yourself on the instinct in order to avoid acting on the instinct itself.
The first and most important thing is that there is a big difference between an “instinct” and a “problem.”
You will be able to mirror yourself, pace yourself, and control jealousy only on the condition that you fully understand the difference between an “instinct” and a “problem.”
Truly understanding the real nature of jealousy:
Psychoanalysis has produced large amounts of very useful and valid knowledge, but in regard to jealousy has failed to understand its real nature, what is at the true core of jealousy.
Jealousy is not a “problem” to solve.
It is an instinct, and a normal part of the wide range of instincts we have that are actually meant to protect life.
An instinct is usually a good thing, and it becomes a problem only when:
– You are not in touch enough with the emotional consequences of the instinct on your behavior, and the instinct translates into action in a way that damages you.
– The intensity of the instinct is far too strong compared to what the average person feels, or much stronger than average.
When you are dealing with an instinct, you cannot say, “This happens to me because I have a problem with my mother, and I am too attached to her.”
You cannot say, “I am jealous of her because my father has castrated me, I have an Oedipus complex, and for this reason I am jealous of other males.”
That “may” be true, but it is only a part of the truth and will not help you much in regard to how to deal with jealousy.
When you understand the real nature of jealousy, as explained here, you will see that stating the above is as absurd as saying, “I am hungry because I have a childhood problem” or “I defend myself against an attack because of a problem with my mother.”
The psychoanalytical approach may not be enough to help you with instincts because your brain will again and again tend to have you act on them as they are meant to protect your life or the life of your offspring.
These other factors connected with your childhood or your relationships may play an important role, but they are not the very core of your jealousy.
Your instinct of jealousy is not meant to damage you, it is meant to support your efforts in continuing life and the life of your species.
What is an instinct? It is something much more radical and deeper when compared to a psychological problem, more connected with the primitive part of your brain we call the “reptile brain.”
An instinct is a primitive function of your mind that ¨blindly¨ drives you to repeat the same behavior again and again and again in a very mechanical, repetitive way.
Why do we have primitive functions in our minds?
Simple. They are automatisms meant to create and maintain life, and the more they tend to maintain life, the stronger their effect on your behavior is.
As such, they are not “bad”, as they exist in order to fulfill important functions.
Another important feature of instincts is that the less we have experience in the area of life connected with the instinct, the more they are unconscious to us.
For example, a veteran soldier who has been fighting in Afghanistan or Iraq definitely has a better understanding of the survival instinct compared to another man who has never been in combat.
With jealousy, the real problem has been for centuries that we did not actually know the reason for its existence.
Now we know the reason for the existence of jealousy, and that is why I can write this article to help you.
When Nature creates an instinct, it does not have always in mind the interest of an individual (You), it very often has in mind the preservation of life in a broader sense.
So, to understand jealousy, you need to take a broader look, “out of the box” of your personal interest, outside of what you might think it is best for you consciously.
When you do that, it will be much easier to control the instinct of jealousy.
The human being is a pretty proud animal. The human being really does not like the idea that something could control him.
The truth is: many instincts control our behavior, and without those instincts, life on the planet would have ended a long time ago.
For example, when people say, “My wife got pregnant by accident; pregnancy prevention failed” what the reptile brain, the primitive part of your brain is actually saying is:
“The instinct of life prevailed, and I have a wonderful baby coming into this world.”
So the “accident” is nothing more than backward rationalization of what the instinct actually had you do.
We cannot make rational choices about everything, and what seems to us “irrational¨ quite often supports life in a broader sense.
So in order for you to understand jealousy and how you can control it, we need to answer this question: What is the purpose of jealousy from the point of view of Nature?
Simple: it is preserved in evolution because it creates a strong feeling of competition between males in order to impregnate a woman.
What makes jealousy very “nasty” is that actually it does not express itself directly, it expresses itself through the channel of your sexual desire, your sexual instinct.
More about this further in this article.
So what is the real nature of jealousy in males?
It compels; it forces males to “run” in order to impregnate women.
It is a little bit like the former Soviet Union´s military police. They shot their own soldiers in cases where they did not run fast enough against the enemy.
Nature acts a little bit like a mix of an investor and a marketer.
An investor spreads investments into several different directions in order to maximize profits and minimize risks.
A marketer runs marketing tests on several groups of people and then checks the response. Then the marketer builds the marketing on the basis of the response of a particular group.
So when Nature gives you green eyes, brown eyes to someone else, and blue eyes to another, it is simply testing the response and over time decides what to preserve.
Yes, Darwin was right, and there is more…
The news is that this behavior of Nature does not affect only physical qualities like the color of the eyes, the shape of the muscles, or height.
It also affects psychological, cognitive qualities and the instincts and qualities of the brain.
Yes, instincts are not the same in quality and degree in all individuals. They have varying degrees of intensity and different qualities in different individuals.
Without this ¨unfair¨ mechanism of spreading different qualities into different directions, there would be no progress of the organisms, and life would probably end.
I will not get into the details of the scientific background of what I am writing here.
If you are interested, a good book you can read on this topic is The Dangerous Passion, by David H. Buss. You can find a review here.
The purpose of this post is practical.
It is meant to help the Modern Man to learn how to rule over the instinct of jealousy.
How to deal with jealousy: awareness of the instinct, mirroring the instinct.
As a human being, you probably are not completely conscious of the role your instincts have on your behavior, with the side note that you may be “more conscious” compared to another when you have more experience.
In spite of that, we all underestimate the strength of our instincts; they are built in purpose to act “behind the curtains.”
Now, the technique to control jealousy I am going to describe is meant to avoid the most dangerous outcome for you that will always damage you in your relationships with women in our modern society: acting on it, when you say or do something under the influence of the instinct of jealousy.
There is a mismatch between the instinct and the reality of the Modern Man. Instincts evolve very slowly. The mismatch is: acting on the instinct of jealousy has absolutely no positive outcome anymore in regard to the interests of a Modern Man.
So our goal here is to help you feel the instinct without acting on it.
We have always two components when dealing with an instinct; for example, hunger:
1. The emotion, sensations, and feelings connected with the instinct; for example, the emotions, sensations and feelings connected with hunger.
2. Action: for example with hunger action is when you eat under the influence of the instinct; action is when you hunt under the influence of the instinct.
In order to avoid the deleterious outcome of the instinct of jealousy, you can do this:
– Mirror, pace yourself on the feelings and emotions connected with jealousy. When you do that, it increases your awareness, and it reduces the risk of acting on it.
For example, you see a beautiful woman, and if you are an experienced man and in touch with the emotions and feelings you feel as a sexually active male, you pace yourself and think, “Ohh…she is so beautiful, I could have her naked and make love with her.”
A less experienced young man may at that point act on the instinct and maybe blush or begin to tremble, or maybe approach her in a socially unfavorable situation.
The less experience you have, the more you act on the instinct.
– Reframe the instinct into a positive so as to enjoy it. This also reduces the risk of acting on the instinct but…
– The third and most important thing to realize is that when you are jealous that happens because..you are horny.
Yes, the instinct of jealousy is built so that it comes out each time you are being sexually aroused, and especially if you felt in love with the woman.
Falling in love is also very much physical and has many purposes in regard to the evolutionary instincts, which I will write about in another article later on.
The purpose of Nature with the jealousy instinct is in fact to arouse you sexually and have you – at the same time – willing to impregnate a woman because of the fear that if you do not fight for your territory, someone else will, and will impregnate the woman instead of you.
Powerful, isn´t it? And by all means against the best interest of any Modern Man in developed countries because it has you become a wimp in the eyes of your women, and by doing that, lowers your sexual and personal value in their eyes.
What is pacing, mirroring yourself?
– You need to learn to act as a mirror on the sensations and feelings connected with jealousy, and acknowledge it. This is done by ¨talking gently¨ to yourself and describing the instinct to yourself. For example:
¨I am jealous now.¨
Women do this all the time. You can learn this art from them. They “enjoy” emotions in order to avoid acting on them. Men have been for centuries educated to either act or repress themselves.
Pacing yourself: “I feel that my woman could have sex with another man.”
Pacing yourself: “She probably would enjoy having sex with another man.”
This works if you describe it to yourself in a very rich way; saying, ¨I am jealous now¨ is not enough. You need to mirror it to yourself and describe it to yourself like this: ¨I am jealous now; probably I am very aroused right now, and I have sexual thoughts about my woman. I feel that she might be aroused by another man.”
Also, learn to describe the physical sensations you feel, like saying, “I can imagine how much fun she would have when she would be taken by him; I can feel this in my chest or belly” and so on.
Stay where you are, pace yourself, mirror the instinct and…do nothing. The damage does not come from the instinct. It comes from acting on it!
The goal of the mirroring, pacing is to give a channel of discharge to the instinct and reduce the risk that you might act on it.
– Positive reframing: Another thing you need to do in order to control jealousy is to frame it in your mind no longer as a ¨problem¨, and then try to ¨solve it¨. Pacing yourself is the step where you take time to delay action…when you mirror yourself, pacing yourself on the instinct creates a delay and moves action forward.
Positive reframing: Then you begin to think all the good things about the instinct itself, as in the case of hunger. For example, ¨This jealousy is a good thing; it is the voice of Nature telling me that it wants children, that I desire women, that I want to take them in order to procreate, and if she would have sex with me or with another man, wonderful nice children would be born; we would enjoy the pleasure, she would enjoy the pleasure, everyone would be happy.¨
This technique achieves, as a result, the elimination of the action part, acting on the instinct, which is the real problem, and when your mind gets into the loop of “I am jealous, and how can I stop that?” your are even more stuck in the mud. You are in a loop where you have a “problem” and now you are trying to “solve it”, and this has your mind think even more about the jealous feelings; in a word you hypnotically condition yourself to be jealous and still think of jealousy.
In the case of jealousy, the action part is when you begin to do stupid things like asking her if is she flirting with the guy sitting at the table in front of you, or if is she having an affair with your co-worker, thus showing that you do not believe in yourself and your value as a man.
The real problem is not the instinct: it is what you do or say under the influence of it. The action part is what we want to inhibit.
The worst kind of thinking that can have you up to your neck in the mud is exactly the process of thinking “I am jealous, how can I stop this?” Then you think about jealousy all the time as a problem, and that makes you even more jealous.
– Strength of your male sexual instinct and jealousy: Jealousy is highly misleading because it uses another vehicle to express itself. Remember that each time you feel a sense of jealousy toward a woman it means that – at that precise moment – you are under the effect of a huge sexual desire. The more passionate you are as a man, the stronger the feeling can be.
All that makes you aware of your sexual desire reduces jealousy. Jealousy in the relationship with your sexual desire is little bit like a bird flying on the wing of a bigger bird…
That is why having experience with women is so important: the more experienced you are, the more you are in touch and have awareness of your own sexual desire moment by moment, and by linking that experience to the knowledge of what I am sharing with you here, you can really addomesticate jealousy and make it your puppy dog.
Beware: I am not trying to change you into a nice guy here.
When you put into practice what I am describing here, by becoming totally unaffected by jealousy, you will achieve that laid back attitude a man needs to show to his women that he is not affected in the slightest way by competition with other men.
That is one of the single most important factors in increasing your value in her eyes!
Jealousy was already a big problem for men in patriarchal society, and it is an even bigger problem in those societies that are not patriarchal anymore, as in many Western countries, because it makes you dependent on a particular woman.
Fully controlling jealousy makes you a strong man, a man who will be able to have women chase him, and not the other way around.